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Before I actually started to work there I was told :
1. You will work on a non-adult site. ( non-adult means that you will talk and maybe, only if you want, dance a bit, strip a bit, but not often..and only if you feel okay with that) - men come on this site to chat with nice looking girls about everything and anything and you will have to dress sexy - the ones that come for shows are not that many and you will not have to do what they ask but also don't tell them no..use other means to do that ( like what?...i didn't ask- now i know it's about the fact that you have to keep them as long as possible in your chat room)
2. If you want to strip and whatever you have to push the "IN SHOW" button so that no one else can see you
3. No one from Romania can access this site
4. We have tech support that will make sure everything works fine, and to make sure no one will record your shows ( I don't know anything about IT)
5. Everything is confidential.
6. No one is using toys or anything; you just have to act.
My first week there - some things changed:
1. The non-adult thing changed into softcore porn ( my own interpretation, no one said anything directly like that, but only in subtle ways)
2. More then 50% of the members are looking to see not to chat about everything and anything, and it seems that this is the normal way - who is paying to chat?...you can do that for free
I thought to myself...I will do this job get paid ..I will try to do it as softcore as I could possibly do, and then I will leave...just have to take care of my problems
1. I found out that 90% of the girls are stripping and much more
2. I saw the biggest pink dildo I have ever seen on a bed
3. I found out about hackers ...a big community btw
4. I found out that softcore porn sells. No way I am going to make those money they "promised" at first for just chatting
1. The stripping "not very often" actually rarely and even not at all, became something more than usual...even with the ones I talked with for more then just one day, at a point or another wanted to see more. What the hell am I paid to do there? ..impersonate a virtual courtesan ... sure it's nice you can speak about politics or culture and you've read some books too, but what's your "kitty" saying about all this?
2. I found out about CGN, and with that ...the abysmal dimensions of this industry. I got scared
3. After scooping around I decided to register and found out even more things
- the site I work on is easily accessed from Romania
- there are also sites with different passwords and nicks ... some work, some don't
- because of the fact that there is no need to chat when you can just look ... it's very difficult to find out who is a hacker and who is not
- they talk about confidentiality but it will never be the case because they will use your image to sell or to intimidate you
4. The real job description of a tech support is to see what the girls write ( not to send their personal information or talk about the studio etc - not doing a good job about that either ) and to make sure the connection is okay, lights etc, and leave the most important aspect somewhere in the background
The main idea is the transformation process. Why does that change you? How is the change happening? Can you feel it like a struggle?....i believe it starts from the first day at this job. Why? It's like when you get pregnant and you want to keep the baby but you are not informed, not at all, and furthermore not ready, you see that child in your arms and you don�t know what do to, but you keep on going and do what ever you are supposed to do and you forget about yourself. you don't know how to be a mother and a woman in the same time, and you find yourself sooner or later, just a mother and completely unhappy - even if you love your child more then anything else in this world.
As usual I go too far with the examples, and I am very well aware they are antagonistic
You know only what you are supposed to know in order to feel comfortable, and in time ( I think Dean said something like this) you would say "Oh I will show him, he is nice, just this time, and from that point you keep on going. You enter this world blindfolded ...and you are prepared mentally only for what you already know, the things that come after this, will unbalance you even more because you already had the feeling that something is not right, and now you know it but you continue to do this, because it has to pay off...for your lost time, for your fatigue and for you own feelings of despair and shame (something you talked about a lot here)